


you claim science ain't magic (and expect me to buy it)

by dorknight



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: (in a sense), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Reapers, Android Shepard, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-07
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-07-22 01:06:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7412497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dorknight/pseuds/dorknight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Unanoning for an unfinished fill of mine on the mass effect kink meme.</p>
<p>AU where Shepard is an escaped android created by Cerberus and Kaidan is the accountant who finds him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Original prompt: http://masseffectkink.livejournal.com/6066.html?thread=26448818#t26448818  
> Title from Goodbye Mr. A - The Hoosiers

[Silean Nebula / Kypladon System / Lazarus Station: 17:00]  
Terminal(  
Configuring ISA PNP  
Initializing basic system settings ...  
Starting System logger [OK]  
Initializing advanced hardware  
Setting up modules ... [OK]  
Initializing network  
Setting up local host ... [OK]  
)

►►

He wakes up.

His limbs are numb from disuse and while his CPU is still going through start-up protocols, the only thing he can get his body to do is open his eyes.

He stares blankly at the light shining down on his face. 'That's not supposed to be there,' he thinks.

The last thing he remembers was a gray sky overhead, dirty brick walls all around him, and the lumpy feel of dirt or garbage underneath...

His booting sequence finishes and the rest of that thought is lost. Instead, his thoughts are a mess of sensory overload, his skin telling him the operating table at his back is too cold and his eyes protesting against the bright light shining directly into them.

He sits up just to get the sensors to shut up and that's when he gets his first good look of his surroundings. The room is covered in floor to ceiling white and combined with the fluorescent lighting, it's almost blinding to look at. There are two deactivated LOKIs slumped against one wall and the rest of the room is a mess of complicated machinery and lab tables cluttered with datapads and vials.

He... Has no idea where he is. He's never seen this room before and it doesn't match any entries in his database. There's a vague sensation that he isn't supposed to be here... That he was somewhere else before. Somewhere that's not here... Wherever 'here' is.

And that's highly improbable and illogical because there is no before. This is the first time he's been booted up so even if he was somewhere else before he shouldn't be able to remember it. Still, the feeling persists, itching just under his skin. If he focuses all processing power into analyzing it he can almost smell exhaust fumes, hear the chatter of a city waking up...

But that's probably just a misplaced file from his database.

He flags the feeling as unimportant for now because wherever he was before he's not there now. Besides, determining where he is now is much more important so he assigns that as his primary objective.

That's when he spots the two-way mirror behind him. He can detect the heat signature of an organic standing on the other side, studying him.

He should probably get to analyzing who that organic might be but then he catches sight of his reflection and forgets about everything else. It's like a weird out of body experience to see how others see him for the first time. Up until now, he only had a vague idea that he was a floating head with limbs attached to it, but now he has a face to attach to that floating head... An image he can tag as ' _him._ '

His features are distinctly human -- blue eyes, shaved head, high cheekbones... A quick search through the extranet tells him that he's considered above average for humans in his age group. He automatically grins to himself because that information makes him inexplicably happy (it's probably that vanity.exe program he's been installed with) and then startles because he's not prepared to see his muscles moving in response to his thoughts.

His database entry on humans tells him that they employ a wide variety of facial expressions in order to communicate with each other and that a smile normally conveys happiness, flirtation, and sometimes even embarrassment. He decides to try it again and smiles at himself hesitantly. It throws his entire face into disarray -- his mouth stretches to show his teeth, his eyes crinkle, and his eyebrows do a funny dance across his forehead. It's a little weird and not very attractive, in his opinion, but his programming assures him that he's doing it correctly. He'll have to do more research later.

He thinks he hears a cough come from the other side of the mirror that might've been a suppressed laugh and soon the intercom crackles to life.

"Welcome, Model number SHEP700-2179," The voice says. High pitched, slight Earthborn accent -- most likely a female human, then. "I am the scientist in charge of this project. I will be running a few tests to make sure there are no bugs left in your system. Your temporary designation will be 'Shepard.'"

"Logged," he says. "My name is Shepard."

"Can you initiate your introduction sequence?"

"Hello, I am Model number SHEP700-2179," Shepard recites, his tone just as monotone as the writing in the introduction file. "I am a seventh generation android manufactured by Cerberus corporation, I come equipped with an advanced artificial intelligence and a prototype personality core. I can cook, clean, take care of the children and pets, act as your sexual partner, and speak several human languages."

"Good," the scientist says. "Your delivery could use work... Maybe some modifications to your voice module would help..."

She mutters the last bit as if she's talking to himself. He waits until she raises her voice to address him again.

"Moving on, how do you feel, Shepard?"

"I think-" He begins, before he snaps his mouth shut so fast there's a click. He knows that's the wrong answer and he's just failed some sort of test because his processors pull up the correct answer a second too late.

_'How would you like me to feel? I have a variety different mood settings according to your needs. Would you like to learn more?'_

"What did you say?" the voice asks sharply.

He knows things are bad and he almost doesn't want to answer but his programming doesn't allow him to lie. "I think."

A loaded silence follows the words. He can feel the organic scrutinizing him beyond the two way mirror. He can do nothing but breathe and wait for the verdict.

"Disassemble him."

"I, _what._ " He whips around and there's a LOKI reaching out to rip his processing chip out. "No wait--"

He panics and ducks away from the LOKI's arms. His sensors tell him that he's experiencing significant stress in all of his processors, but all he can think is _gottagetawaygottaescapegottasurvive_. He's only just opened his eyes and the only thing he's seen so far are white labs and his own frightened reflection.

He knows there's more to this galaxy. He sees pictures of lakes, stars, turians, humans logged in his database. He wants to see these things up close, wants to feel them with his sensors, wants to make more stupid expressions -- just plain _wants_ so badly he lashes out at the persistent LOKI.

He cups his hands protectively around the chip because if the LOKI manages to rip it out, he knows it's game over for him. He tries reasoning with the voice, because it belongs to an organic and an organic has to understand somehow. It has to understand these abstract feelings that are decidedly not synthetic, these thoughts that mark him as defective.

"Wait, please," He presses up against the two way mirror, staring at the spot where his sensors tell him the organic is standing. "I won't do it anymore. I won't think just--"

He breaks off with a cry when he feels cold, mechanical fingers slowly pulling his hands away from his neck.

"I want to live!" He shouts desperately at the glass. "I just woke up you can't--"

In his distraction, the LOKI manages to pry his hands away and he closes his eyes in defeat.

"Wait."

All movement in the lab comes to a stop at the word. He opens his eyes, hardly daring to hope--

"Go. Wait for me in the shuttle bay."

►►

She watches him leave.

She knows this is dangerous for more than one reason. Not only is she betraying Cerberus but she's doing it by releasing a rogue AI on an unsuspecting galaxy.

He's _thinking_. He has wants and he has thoughts and he foolishly clings to survival just like an organic would.

Ordinarily, she wouldn't even blink as she has him destroyed.

But today is different.

She thinks about the doubts she's been having lately. She thinks about how her concerns about the safety of the experiments -- "a 90% mortality rate in a research facility is not normal, sir" -- were so easily brushed off.

"We all have to make sacrifices in the name of science," was all her boss had said before cutting the connection.

She thinks about the message she'd received a couple of days before, written hastily on paper and burned after being read. 'I know you think your facility is dangerous. The funny thing is, you're not even the worst cell he has out here --There are cells that are _slaughtering_ people for the sake of his 'science.' I've attached a file containing the reports. You have to do _something_. Please."

This is a mistake. What she's doing here... What she's already _done_ \-- all of it has been one mistake after another and she has no idea how to even begin making things right. Maybe releasing Shepard out into the world is a mistake... But she feels with a conviction set deep into her bones that to continue working for Cerberus would be an even bigger mistake. This facility and its experiments are more dangerous than one rogue AI.

In the end, it's not about Shepard at all. This has been a long time coming and today just happens to be the perfect day to hand in her letter of resignation.

Shepard is just an additional 'kiss my ass' lovingly tacked on at the end.

She smiles to herself as she arms the LOKI mechs and changes their programming to attack Cerberus employees on sight.


	2. Chapter 2

[Serpent Nebula / Citadel / Silversun Strip: 0200]

Kaidan _hates_ the end of the quarter.

It sounds innocuous enough. End of quarter, his mom would say, so that means you can take a break for the rest of the year, right, dear? So how come you never visit?

And then the conversation would quickly devolve into why Kaidan is a bad person who gets his kicks out of breaking his poor mother's heart.

Well, yes and no, _Mom_. End of quarter is the time when all the departments have to haul ass and gather the numbers together. All the transactions, the adjusting entries, how many squares of toilet paper you used this quarter — it all goes into a giant pile. _Then_ they have to somehow take that pile and shit out a neat little 10 page financial report with pictures and cute little graphs, and most importantly, a bottom line that tells all their shareholders exactly how many new cars they can afford to buy.

And, well Kaidan gets it— he really does. He took introductory economics, thank you— he knows they have to issue reports because the shareholders are the ones funding the company who in turn funds Kaidan's apartment on the Citadel. It all sounds good when put that way but defining "end of the quarter" as a vague, abstract idea is quite different from experiencing "end of the quarter" down in the trenches.

End of the quarter means he comes in at 7:30 and he'll consider himself lucky to get off before midnight. End of the quarter means his co-workers — the ones who're friendly, functioning members of society, the ones he even considers his friends—become short tempered, incompetent varren that quickly climb to the top of his shitlist. EOQ means he barely has his seat warm before an external auditor is asking for a file dating back to the first contact war and complaining about how their controls are so weak the secretary is probably making off with supplies.

And, he doesn't _care_ — well, a little... He'll search the secretary tomorrow — because he’s run so ragged he doesn’t have the energy for it. He asked his boss for help earlier, but Anderson had just given a pep talk that was so military he clicked his heels and answered with a 'hoorah', and Anderson smiled and said, "there's work to do, soldier," and sent him on his way. Kaidan had walked out of Anderson's office feeling good, ready to face the day, before he realized _Anderson hadn't actually helped him_.

The worst part is EOQ happens _four times a year_. So you get through one and work becomes slightly less hellish, and you think, maybe I don't hate my job after all. But just as you're lulled into a false sense of security... _Bam_ it's end of the quarter and you get to do it _all over again_.

'So, yeah, mom. That's why I don't visit.'

He sighs tiredly and rubs a hand down his face. He's walking back to his apartment in Tiberius Towers at 2 in the morning and his next work day starts in 5 hours. He wants to crawl into a hole and die because he's had a low level migraine since Monday and the busy season is just getting started.

A low, pained sound catches his attention. Kaidan almost thinks it came from him because he definitely sounds like that during the worst of his migraines, but the sound comes from somewhere off to the side. He turns slowly and eyes the dark alley beside him warily.

Kaidan groans and wonders why people don't pass out on the walkway anymore. He knows he'd be more willing to help someone who fainted in broad daylight on the Presidium, than some poor bastard passed out in the dark corners of Zakera Ward where a groan could just as easily mean 'I'm having the best fuck of my life' as 'Help, I need immediate medical attention'.

He can just make out a figure splayed on top of the garbage bags with the help of the streetlight. Whoever it is, he's alone, and if the pained sound is any indication, incapacitated, so Kaidan figures he has the advantage here. He almost wants to leave because he really doesn't have time for this if he wants to catch any sleep before work—

And, who is he kidding, he knows he'll stop and check on the off chance this person really does need help because that's just the kind of person his mom raised him to be.

'Thanks, mom,' Kaidan thinks sarcastically.

He steps into the alleyway cautiously. There's just enough light from the street for him to find his way without tripping, but he doesn't want to risk it and end up face first into a pile of garbage. He feels his way through the alley, one hand on the brick wall to guide him, and comes to a stop in front of the slumped figure.

His first aid training kicks in as he takes stock of the visual damage.

The boy — and Kaidan calls him that even though he only looks to be a couple of years younger — has shallow cuts on his forehead, eyebrows, and lips. They're bleeding sluggishly, leaving thin trails of blood down his face. They will probably scar, but they're nothing life threatening. More worrying is the way his wrist hangs limply across his chest, broken or maybe sprained. Kaidan can't really tell without touching and he's not sure he wants to risk that yet.

That's the extent of the physical damage and Kaidan wonders how this kid ended up here. He's too well dressed and too old to be a duct rat so being homeless is out. Kaidan steps closer and takes a deep breath, no alcohol so not a drunk either. Maybe a victim of a mugging, then?

Whatever the case, his wrist needs immediate medical attention if it's going to heal properly. Kaidan thinks he has a splint or at least some medi-gel to hold him off back at his apartment-

'...And stop right there, Alenko,' says the voice of reason in his head (that sounds _suspiciously_ like his co-worker Ashley).

Is he seriously thinking of bringing some kid back to his apartment? He could be a gang member, a criminal, one of Aria's lackeys; Kaidan can list a hundred different ways this could end and they range from pretty bad (like the-guy-vomiting-on-his-new-couch bad) to _really_ bad (like this-guy-kills-you-and-now-you're-dead bad).

He takes stock.

First, he still has his biotics so it's not like he'll be helpless against the kid. He still trains with them once a week, doing the exercises he learned at... That he learned a long time ago, so they're still as sharp as ever. In fact, he can control them even better than he could when he was fresh out of camp. Now, he can really focus the power into something that can rip most unarmored targets apart at a molecular level so, yeah, point to Kaidan.

Second, this kid has no idea he's a biotic. He _could_ try something, use a gun maybe, but it's nothing to put up a barrier and _pull_ the gun from his hands, so Kaidan figures he has the advantage there too.

Third, this stranger is injured. His right wrist still hangs limply against his body, so even if he /were/ to try anything he'd be at a severe disadvantage.

So basically on a Bad Idea scale of 0 to punching a krogan in the quads, this idea is only about a 7. He's come up with worse ideas before. Like that time he drank too much whiskey at an office party and let Wrex convince him to try hand fishing in the Presidium lakes.

( _That_ resulted in a night spent in a jail cell while a C-Sec officer explained to them, in a long suffering tone, that there were no fish in the lakes. And Wrex _still_ wasn't convinced and simply blamed Kaidan's bad technique.)

With that decided, he hooks an arm under the man's shoulder and hauls him up from the garbage.

It's almost kind of exciting, he thinks. He feels like Bubin dragging Blasto out of the wreckage in that one scene in Blasto 6: Partners in Crime. Like... The _hero's_ hero. Yeah, that's him. Kaidan's the sidekick who's just off to the left of the spotlight and who never gets enough credit — because how many kids say _Bubin_ is their favourite character, really — but when even the _hero's_ in trouble then he's the one who comes to the rescue.

"Alright," Kaidan says, as he hooks one of the guy's arms over his shoulders and adjusts his grip. "So you be Blasto and I'll be Bubin. Just continue hanging there all limp and hanar-y and I'll do the rest."

►►

The only reason it looks so good in the movies, Kaidan seethes, is because Blasto is a hanar who weighs _fucking nothing_ compared to Bubin.

Kaidan grunts as he takes another step towards his door. He feels like he's hauling 300 pounds of dead weight with each step. There's sweat dripping down his face from the exertion, and judging by the way his suit clings to him unpleasantly, his back is drenched too. It's not like he's unfit either — he has a home gym in his apartment, he works out 3 times a week but, holy shit, dragging a man around the Citadel is no joke.

His legs feel like they're going to give out with every drag across carpeted floor. His door is just at the end of this hallway — a couple of feet at most — but with this guy on his back it might as well be in the Hades Nexus on the other fucking side of the galaxy.

He's almost tempted to _lift_ the guy the rest of the way home, but most of his neighbours have no idea he's a biotic and the fear of being spotted is too high so he struggles on.

"Blasto," Kaidan pants. "You really have to go on a diet after this."

By some miracle they finally make it into his apartment. Kaidan is so relieved he lets the man slide off his shoulders and fall to a heap on his foyer as he catches his breath.

As soon as his arms stop feeling like they're going to fall out of their sockets, he gathers the man up and moves him to the couch. Kaidan apologizes to him the entire way there because it's not right to promise a man help and then drop him like a sack of potatoes on your foyer. A really, _really_ heavy sack of potatoes, but still.

As he arranges the man into a comfortable position on the couch, he gets his first good look at his patient. It had been too dark to get a good look in the alley and he'd been too busy trying to get enough air in his lungs to pay attention during the walk but now...

 _Wow_ is the first thing that comes to mind quickly followed by _holy shit_.

He feels like he's won the 'helping-passed-out-strangers' jackpot. He takes a moment to thank his mom (without the sarcasm, this time) for indirectly making this moment possible by raising him to be an upstanding citizen.

The man is unbelievably attractive. Kaidan's seen his share of handsome men, but this guy blows them all out of the water. His face is all sharp angles and sharper cheekbones and Kaidan has to clench his fists to resist the urge to reach out and feel the bone structure. He's also got full lips and a strong jaw, and with everything put together it's the kind of face that makes you look twice on the streets... And probably keep looking until you walk into a pole and you're forced to stop.

Kaidan's mouth is dry as he drinks the man in. He thinks, inanely, that he has to call someone. Or... Or take a picture for posterity. He's no teenage girl but having a handsome man on his couch is the most exciting thing to happen to him since... Since he moved to the Citadel. He has to tell _someone_.

With that in mind, he's already pulling up his omni-tool, punching in Ashley's phone number because she's his best friend slash co-worker and if anyone should know it's her. Besides, she's probably the only one up at this late hour and a person who won't hang up on him in grumpiness would be ideal.

Then the man let's out another pained groan and Kaidan quickly snaps to attention. Right, handsome but also bleeding on his couch. Prioritize, Alenko.

He decides first aid comes before bragging to his friends. Mostly because he won't be able to forgive himself if he allows the cuts to scar and ruin that face.

►►

It's such a shame, Kaidan thinks mournfully as he cleans the cut on the man's forehead. The man's wrist is mostly healed thanks to his liberal application of medi-gel but he was too late in finding the stranger. The cuts are almost certainly going to scar because they're too deep and they hadn't been closed up quickly enough.

How could anyone damage that face?

OK, maybe the guy is an asshole when he's not unconscious. Kaidan will even allow that maybe this guy got what was coming to him, but damn, he still wishes they'd aimed lower. Damaging that face... It's, it's like vandalizing a work of art!

(It worries him, somewhere in the back of his mind, how attached he's getting to this guy's face)

"I'm sorry, Blasto," Kaidan says — slurs, really. The lack of sleep is making his brain a little bit fuzzy. "I tried to save your face, I really did."

He dabs a final bit of medi-gel on the cut, leaning back to examine his work. The skin is already knitting itself together, the beginnings of a scar puckering right at the guy's hairline. That's probably as good as it's going to get this late at night. Before he calls it a day and goes to bed, he cups the stranger's jaw and pulls him closer to dab some antiseptic on the cut on his lip. Kaidan trails a thumb gently across his bottom lip — because this close he really can't help himself — as he finishes cleaning the wound and—

And that's when the stranger wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, the boys finally meet.


	3. Chapter 3

The second time Shepard wakes up is not much better than the first.

There’s a steady stream of error reports and warnings insistently flashing in bright red behind his eyelids. He sluggishly goes through the first few, realizes all forty of them are about the dangers of interrupting key processes, and promptly forces the rest of them closed. Meanwhile, his face feels like it’s split open and his spine is sore like he fell asleep on top of a brick.

Shepard groans, trying to remember what he did to wake up like this. He vaguely remembers walking down the strip, trying to figure out what to do before… Before he heard something that sounded suspiciously like ‘I bet I can headbutt that human unconscious’ and he had 800 pounds of krogan coming at him. He didn’t have time to do anything more than stare dumbly before he was headbutted with all the force a drunk krogan could muster (which was a significant amount) and his hardware had been rattled so badly he was forced into an alley to do a hard reboot.

All in all, Shepard thinks his first night of freedom could have gone better.

He opens his eyes, expecting a darkened alley, the orange glow of a streetlight, and garbage bags underneath him. Instead, he wakes up to wide brown eyes and warm breath on his skin, and, and _that’s a face_

Shepard sits up so quickly he gets another flood of annoyed warnings and he scrambles to the other side of the couch to put some distance between the organic and him.

They both freeze, neither one daring to move as they size each other up. He’s breathing hard as he stares at the organic, trying to determine what it is. Soft skin, no armour plates, bipedal — a human, then. Male, to be more precise. The man is looking at him in open confusion from where he’s leaning on the floor. He’s unfamiliar. Shepard doesn’t remember passing by him on the Citadel and he doesn’t have any records of this face in his database. 

“Who are you?” Shepard blurts out. He looks around, taking in expensive furniture, a warm fireplace, and a wall to ceiling view of the Silversun strip. “Where am I?”

Shepard watches the scar on the human’s mouth twist a bit as it tries for a reassuring smile. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. This is my place,” He says, gesturing at the apartment. “I brought you here to treat your wounds.”

Unnecessary, Shepard thinks. His synthetic skin would have healed any injuries soon enough.

Except it hasn’t. He frowns when he realizes that he still has several cuts open on his face. He touches his lip to confirm and flinches as pain sears from the cut at his touch. That’s… Odd. A quick query tells him that his outer layer is designed to heal superficial injuries near instantly.

He doesn’t know what’s wrong or why his hardware is not working properly. Maybe something came loose during his escape or maybe something broke while he was rebooting. Or… Or maybe he was broken to begin with, maybe this was a bug the scientist missed because his evaluation test was cut short.

There’s not enough information for him to diagnose the problem and Shepard can feel panic rising up in his gut. He wishes the scientist was still here. She would be able to run diagnostics on him and tell him how to fix the issue. She could tell him what to do, give him orders and a purpose again.

But he knows she's probably long gone by now. She'd dropped him off on the Citadel with nothing more than the clothes on his back and a faint reassurance that he was _probably_ safe here. When he'd tried to ask where she was going, she'd frowned at him and said it was classified.

All at once he feels lost and alone without her and he finds he misses her presence terribly. He doesn't have a purpose without her. His only plan while escaping Lazarus station was to ensure survival and now that he's done that, he doesn't know what else to do. He doesn't know anyone on the Citadel and he doesn't have a place to stay and while he doesn't necessarily _need_ shelter like an organic, staying out on the streets is a good way to get arrested or found by Cerberus.

And now on top of all that he's _malfunctioning_. Freedom isn't all he'd imagined it to be and he's starting to think that maybe he would've been better off getting disassembled after all.

Shepard turns at the sound of rustling. He almost forgot about the human in his panic. He watches as the human shifts uncomfortably under his gaze and—

Wait… _Human_... As in human like the scientist. Shepard still doesn't know much about the species besides what's written in the database but so far he's had a pretty good track record with them (a record of exactly 1 significant interaction but that had ended in his freedom so it was a damn good one). Besides, if nothing else at least they didn't headbutt unsuspecting civilians like the krogan. It's a long shot, but maybe this human will be as understanding as the scientist. Maybe he'll be able to help Shepard if he explained.

“Something’s wrong,” Shepard says.

“O-Oh?” The human replies. The uncertain look that lingers on his face doesn't do much to strengthen Shepard's confidence in him. The scientist looked much more capable than this guy.“What is it?”

“My cuts aren’t healing.”

“Oh, right,” The human says, his brow smoothing and a smile spreading on his face. He looks inexplicably relieved. “I was almost done treating you but then you woke up.”

“No, I—”

And before Shepard can say that’s not what he meant, the man’s hands are back on his face.

Shepard automatically flinches away but the human keeps a firm grip on him. His hands feel warm and soft against Shepard's sensors as they pull his face closer. He watches in fascination as the human concentrates on his work, the little crease appearing between his brows again as he gently dabs medigel onto Shepard’s lips. He thinks this human's touch is much better than the cold, impersonal way the scientist checked him over on the shuttle ride to the Citadel, all rough pulling and ruthless efficiency. It's _definitely_ a big improvement from the headbutt he received from that krogan earlier that evening. _That_ was all killing intent and a promise of pain the krogan delivered on.

This human doesn't press his fingers too hard against Shepard's skin. His fingers are barely there, almost light enough not to register on Shepard's external sensors. It's... It's almost like he's afraid of hurting Shepard or jostling his injuries, and being cared for or _about_ — even if it's something this basic — isn't something Shepard is used to. It sparks a weird feeling somewhere in his abdomen, something like a singularity blooming inside his core, pulling his insides together.

He doesn't know how _that's_ happening and it's kind of scary since his internal parts aren't supposed to move. 

But the feeling, while unexpected, is not unpleasant. He stores the feeling away, keeping the memory safe in his database for later study.

When the human finishes, he looks up and their eyes meet and hold. His face is too close again, and at this distance Shepard can see all the tiny details he missed before. The freckles over his brow, the dried mustard at the corner of his lips, and he can pick out all the different flecks of colour in his eyes from the #C68E17 to the #806517. The moment breaks and the human looks away, heat climbing up his cheeks.

“All… All done,” The man says, his voice pitched slightly higher than before. “That wasn’t too bad, was it?”

"No," Shepard says. "It felt nice."

The human's mouth twists up in a smile that's a strange combination of embarrassed and pleased. Shepard didn’t even know such an expression was possible and it triggers another positive reaction from his core, so he snaps a picture with his optic sensors and stores that quietly files that away.

"I-I'm Kaidan, by the way," The human, Kaidan, says hastily. "Kaidan Alenko."

"My name is Shepard," Shepard says carefully. He still doesn't know how much he wants to give away. He knows it would be dangerous to reveal he's an android. A quick extranet search tells him all he needs to know about relations between organic and synthetics. He finds records about the Morning War, news reports about LOKI mechs being used as target practice, legal cases about the illegal development of AIs. There’s still a lot of distrust between organics and synthetics. Shepard knows the smartest thing to do would be to leave while Kaidan still thought he was another human.

When he looks back at him he sees Kaidan is still looking at him expectantly like maybe he's expecting more. Shepard realizes that humans typically have two names but that’s all he got from the scientist before she left. 

"Alright, Shepard," Kaidan says when it's clear he's not getting a first name. "Is your place close by?"

His programmed algorithms instruct him to lie, say ‘yes. Thanks for your help,’ and leave quietly.

"I... Don't have a place," Shepard says instead. "I just got here."

Kaidan frowns, considering this new information. He opens his mouth, hesitates, then stares at Shepard as if appraising him.

Meanwhile, Shepard’s processor cuts in with a polite ‘what the hell do you think you’re doing?’

Well, taking a risk. He just… He has a good feeling about this. It’s not in his programming to be reckless, and he doesn’t have any information to base it on, but something in him just wants to trust Kaidan to do the right thing.

‘That’s not in your programmed routines,’ his processor informs him. ‘The correct course of action has been calculated.’

Shepard is about to sigh and follow through with what he thinks is a shitty plan before he realizes he can say _no_. He can override his programmed routines and do as he likes because, screw algorithms, he’s 100% unshackled and he’ll make dumb decisions if he wants to.

Kaidan clears his throat, interrupting Shepard’s moment of liberation. “This is a three bedroom apartment. If you want… You could stay.”

Shepard stares at Kaidan, wide eyed. He wants to punch the air in victory, rub his processor’s metaphorical nose in it because even he can’t believe taking that risk paid off. His affection for the human spikes rapidly and he feels the swooping sensation in his gut again. "Stay?" He repeats. "For how long?"

"As long as you need?" Kaidan shrugs. "I don't know... Until you find a new place, maybe, or—"

"Forever?" Shepard interrupts. "Can I stay forever?"

Kaidan chokes on air and stares at him in surprise. Apparently, that was not a proper response in this situation. His processors tell him that this would fall under 'overstaying his welcome' but he can't bring himself to care about social niceties right now.

Shepard looks at Kaidan and sees the only person -- only _thing_ , really -- that's treated him with kindness. He sees a human who went out of his way to help an injured stranger and welcome that stranger into his home. Shepard doesn't need to do an extranet search to know that this sort of helpfulness is not common for anyone in this age. Kaidan triggers all sorts of positive reactions from his core with every gesture, every expression, every word and Shepard doesn't know if that's something that's unique to Kaidan or just another bug in his system—

But he _does_ know he wants to stay.

And more than that, he wants to trigger the same responses from Kaidan. He Wants to see those scars twist into that weird smile, wants to feel that gentle touch on his skin, and most of all, he wants to be liked too. His primary objective is rewritten almost without his input. It changes from ‘ensure survival’ to ‘trigger positive responses from Kaidan’ before he even knows what’s happening.

For that to work, Shepard thinks, he'll have to tell Kaidan the truth. He knows organics don't like being lied to, so it logically follows that to complete his objective, he shouldn't lie to Kaidan.

Big warning flags go up almost as soon as the thought runs through his system. His central database pulls up recent news reports involving rogue AI. A second later, and it calculates that this course of action has an 83% chance of ending in his disassembly or arrest.

Shepard ignores all that. He has a feeling, something illogical and strange, that tells him Kaidan isn't like the rest of the organics. He doesn't have any hard evidence to back up this claim but he just hopes, somehow, that Kaidan will understand just like the scientist on Lazarus station. So Shepard ignores all the blaring, red warning signs blocking his HUD, gives his processor the metaphorical finger, and goes through with the plan anyway.

"I think there’s something you should know.” Is what Shepard begins with.

“What, don’t tell me you’re a messy roommate?” Kaidan chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck. “’Cause I think I’m gonna have to draw the line at—”

“I’m an android,” Shepard says. “Seventh generation tech manufactured by Cerberus.”

Kaidan blinks and stares at him blankly. When the silence stretches on he smiles hesitantly (and Shepard didn’t know smiles could also be used for nervousness. He’s just learning all sorts of things about humans today). “Real funny, Shepard,” Kaidan says, reaching out to touch Shepard’s face. “You feel human to me. I’m not _that_ gullible—”

Shepard wordlessly grabs his hand and guides it to the back of his neck until Kaidan is touching the processing chip there. “Android,” Shepard repeats seriously.

Kaidan promptly starts choking on air. 

►►

'You've gotta be shitting me,' Kaidan thinks.

Shepard sits up when he starts coughing and places a worried hand on his shoulder. Kaidan automatically flinches away from him because the gesture feels incredibly human but it's _not_.

He regrets it immediately when he sees the hurt on Shepard's face at the blunt rejection.

"Sorry," Kaidan says. "I just..."

"It's understandable," Shepard says. He doesn't say 'it's fine', though because Kaidan knows what he did was _far_ from fine. His mother would be disappointed. "Um... Can I still stay?"

And the way Shepard peers at him hopefully, all bright blue eyes under dark lashes, almost makes him way to say yes because, god, he would promise anything to that face. But he's not sleepy enough to overlook that this is a bad idea. This is _the_ bad idea to put all his other ideas to shame. This idea is _so_ bad Kaidan would have to recalibrate his patented Bad Idea scale to assign it a number.

So he shakes his head and looks anywhere but at Shepard.

"I— I _can't_ " He says, resolutely ignoring the way Shepard's face falls. "Shepard, there are _rules_. I would need a license to own an AI and they only give those to... I don't know council members, CEO's, _really important people_."

"Oh, is that the problem?" Shepard says, immediately brightening. His light tone makes it seem like Kaidan just suggested something along the lines of 'Oh, the guest room doesn't have clean linens' instead of 'hey, this probably isn't the best idea since I could, y'know, _end up in jail_ '. "Look, Kaidan — no one knows about me. Cerberus isn't selling this model yet and since I escaped they probably never will. I'm next gen technology and most organics are unable to recognize I'm an AI without me telling them."

"And as for tech scanners... Well, as long as you don't take me into a casino we should be fine," Shepard finishes, and his eyes crinkle as he gives Kaidan a winning smile. "So? Can I stay?"

With _that_ smile? Not only can he stay, he can even have the master bedroom— 

Wait, no, _no_ , bad.

'Don't fall for the attractive man's tricks,' Kaidan tells himself firmly. This is still a very bad idea. He’s just having a little trouble remembering _why_.

He can already feel his resolve crumbling. He's not usually this much of a push over but something about Shepard's face just makes _everything_ seem like a good idea. Cerberus bastards probably designed him like that for a reason.

"What about Cerberus?" Kaidan tries, and if Shepard has an answer for this too then he just gives up.

"What, Cerberus? Pff," Shepard scoffs, but his smug grin doesn't reach his eyes. His posture stiffens and he's talking to the spot just left of Kaidan's head. A robot who's bad at lying, you see something new every day.

Shepard quickly sobers up and drops the false bravado when Kaidan levels a flat look at him.

"They're not going to go to the public for help if that's what you're asking," Shepard sighs. "Too embarrassing for them. A... A scientist helped me escape. My guess is they think I'm still with her so they probably won't come looking for me here anytime soon."

"I don't know about this, Shepard," Kaidan says. Sure he had been willing to help him out when he thought Shepard was _human_ but that's different. Sheltering a human means having to share his food with someone for a few weeks at worst. _This_ is asking him to shelter an unshackled AI and not only is that dangerous it's _illegal_. He doesn't even know if Shepard is safe.

Sure he hasn't tried to pull a gun on Kaidan _yet_ , but 'yet' implies that there's a chance he might in the future.

Shepard almost seems to know where Kaidan's thoughts are heading because he holds up his hands in the universal sign for 'I'm unarmed.'

"Look, Kaidan," he begins. "I... I told you right? Humans can't tell that I'm an AI and since I'm unshackled my programming doesn't really force me to _do_ anything..."

"So... I didn't have to tell you anything but I did anyway."

He doesn't continue, but the pieces fall into place anyway. Shepard had _trusted_ him with that information even though he knew it could end in his disassembly. He told Kaidan because he thought he would understand... Because he thought Kaidan would give him a chance.

And Kaidan knows all about asking people for a chance. Before working for Kassa Fabrications, he'd attended countless of pointless job interviews. They'd like his resume and cover letter well enough, and his credentials usually got him a call back to the interview. The interview itself would always go well — he was always a little awkward but he made up for it with politeness, and that seemed to be what most companies were looking for.

The problem came at the end of the interview. He always told them he was a biotic. Not because he _had_ to, there were no laws requiring that, but he felt it wouldn't be right to hide it. He wanted them to know just... Just in case something happened.

And, well... He might as well have said he was an ex-convict or something.

Their smiles would freeze in place and they couldn't get him out of their office quick enough. They wouldn't even offer him a handshake, probably scared about receiving a static shock or having their hand torn apart at a molecular level.

Kassa Fabrications and Anderson were the only ones who looked past all that. Hell, Anderson even seemed excited when Kaidan told him, asking how many bullets Kaidan's barriers could stop (and that may have been because he was considering testing their guns on Kaidan and that wasn't so great). When he got the offer he was _so happy_ because it was more than an accounting job for him — it was somebody giving him the chance he'd always been asking for.

So, yeah, Kaidan knows what it's like for people to judge you for what you are. He knows what it's like, asking people to look past the labels (biotic, android, krogan, _whatever_ ) and look at him as _him_ — As Kaidan.

Sure, Shepard _could_ pull a gun on him but Kaidan could flay him apart with his mind.

"I... I am so going to regret this," Kaidan groans. "But you can stay... _For now_."

The smile Shepard gives him is positively beatific. Kaidan has to blink for a few seconds to recover from it's brightness. He just wishes he had a camera ready because that smile belonged on the front page of Galaxy Gentlemen's Quarterly.

"Where am I staying?" Shepard asks excitedly, getting up from the couch and running around Kaidan’s apartment like a kid. He’s picking up picture frames, opening the fridge, putting his hand dangerously close to the fireplace like it was all new to him, and all things considered, maybe it was.

"There's a bedroom down here and another guest bedroom upstairs," Kaidan says yawning. The late hour and the excitement of his night both kick in at once, leaving him with barely enough energy to stand. "Your pick, I guess."

"Can I sleep with you?"

...And that wakes him right back up.

"Sure," Kaidan says, his voice coming out a pitch too high. He's only human and any human who says they could say no to that question from _that_ mouth is either celibate or a dirty liar. He isn't expecting anything, Kaidan tells himself firmly. He's just... He's just providing a little bit of comfort to this poor android who's had a hard day.

Shepard beams at him again before turning and racing up the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #C68E17 to the #806517 are just hex color codes that match up to a shade of brown and gold. Next chapter we'll meet Kaidan's lovely co-workers.


	4. Chapter 4

[Serpent Nebula / Citadel / Silversun Strip: 9:31]  
  
Kaidan is dragged out of sleep by the sound of insistent beeping. He groans, desperately clinging to the fading tendrils of sleep. He feels like this is the best night’s sleep he’s had in months. It’s the kind that knocks him out completely. He’s dead to the world as soon as his head hits the pillow. No worries, no headaches, not even dreams— just a complete shutdown of his brain for however many hours he manages to catch.  
  
Nights like those are rare. More and more often, he’s kept up late at night by the mess he’ll have to deal with at work the next day, or an insistent pain in his spine. So, of course, it’s cut short by his omni-tool being a _massive dick_.  
  
Kaidan shoots his omni-tool a dirty look from where its making an unholy racket on his night stand. He curls up to the warm body beside him, mashing his face into a shoulder in an attempt to block out the noise—  
  
Wait, body?  
  
He feels the rise and fall of a chest under his palm, rubs his cheek experimentally against a shoulder— Yep, body.  
  
He doesn't remember bringing anyone home with him, but he's so cozy and relaxed in this moment he can't bring himself to care. The neon lights of the Silversun Strip are muted, almost looking like sunlight, as they peek through his blinds and light up his room. His limbs feel loose for once thanks to a good night's sleep, and his mind is still bleary with the fog of fading dreams.  
  
The specifics of how this person got here doesn’t really matter. Not when there’s the steady, comforting rhythm of a heartbeat under his palm, their legs tangled together and his chest pressed up against a solid back.  
  
He smiles and mouths lazily at his bed mate's bare shoulder. He could definitely get used to waking up like this.  
  
His mysterious partner sighs something before burrowing further into the sheets. Kaidan grins as he trails his mouth up the side of a neck, arms tightening around a toned waist. Maybe he doesn't remember last night, but he'll definitely remember if something happens this morning.  
  
"Kaidan," his companion finally says, peering at him over a freckled shoulder with the bluest eyes Kaidan's ever seen and—  
  
And everything comes crashing back to him like a dump truck careening off a highway.  
  
"Shepard," he breathes.  
  
Shepard, the only name he got from his guest last night. Shepard, the ridiculously attractive man he met in an alleyway (except not really because, surprise, he’s actually an android). Shepard who is now Kaidan's roommate thanks to his completely inability to say no to gorgeous strangers. _Shepard_ who sleeps in briefs despite Kaidan's protests because of some bullshit about overheating.  
  
Kaidan prays to the Enkindlers the Preaching Hanar from down the hall is always telling him to embrace for self-control.  
  
He laughs awkwardly and pulls himself away. He tries not look at Shepard, spread enticingly across his bed, sheets tangled around his ankles. Thanks to a water pump problem that is either the best kind of design error or the poorest attempt at flirting Kaidan’s ever seen, Shepard is clad in only a pair of black boxers, leaving him exposed to Kaidan’s wandering eyes. He takes in the freckles peppered over his chest, the hard muscles on his stomach, and by the time Kaidan’s eyes follow the line of Shepard’s sharp hipbone to the elastic of his boxers he—  
  
He takes a deep breath and focuses on a spot on the wall. Same procedure as with solar eclipses, Kaidan. Don’t look directly into it, and you’ll be fine.  
  
“What?” Shepard asks, voice heavy with sleep. He stretches lazily, and Kaidan is caught up in the display. He watches the play of muscles, tensing and relaxing under smooth skin and he’s transfixed.

Seeing him like this, Kaidan can hardly believe he's an android. The dip in his spine, the tiny freckles on his skin, the fluidity of his muscles— it all looked so real. His eyes fall onto the small, black, cotton blend preserving Shepard's modesty. The rest of him is so well-made, so _human_ , that Kaidan finds himself wondering (inappropriately!) if he’ll find the same sort of craftsmanship under the waistband of his boxers.  
  
"Just... Just wondering what you look like," he blurts out, gesturing in general direction of Shepard’s underwear. "Y'know... Under that."  
  
Shepard's answering grin is downright sly. He rolls himself over until he's straddling Kaidan's lap. The amber lights from the strip throw shadows across his face, darkens the expanse of skin, and throws his grin into stark relief. Somehow, his eyes only grow brighter in the dim lighting and he looks absolutely breathtaking.  
  
"Do you want to find out?"  
  
It takes Kaidan a second to process that he’s being asked a question. The air seems so much more stifling with Shepard this close. Everything else fades away, the traffic outside and the beeping from his omni-tool becoming little more than background noise. His world narrows down to just Shepard, the challenge in his blue eyes, and the challenge in his question.  
  
Kaidan smirks up at him, caught up in the moment. He lets his hands settle on Shepard’s hips in answer. He hooks his thumbs into the elastic and pauses. He allows himself a moment to savour the build-up, the tease, the feel of warm skin against his fingertips.  
  
His omni-tool gives another impatient beep.  
  
The moment breaks. The air returns to normal and the traffic outside and the beeping on his nightstand come back into focus. Kaidan groans, disappointed, and turns to throw another glare at his stupid, cockblocking—  
  
He freezes when he sees the 9:47 displayed on the orange interface.  
  
“What?!" Kaidan curses and he all but pushes Shepard away as he scrambles to his feet. He’s still cursing as he runs around his bedroom in a panic. "Why didn’t my alarm go off? Shit, I’m so late for work. Gotta shower, fix my hair, and, shit, breakfast."  
  
He rushes to the bathroom and tries very hard not to think about the half-naked android he’s left on his bed.  
  


►►

[Serpent Nebula / Citadel / Financial District: 10:27]  
  
The Kassa Fabrications HQ sits in the middle of the financial district in the wards. It's close enough to his apartment that most mornings, Kaidan can walk there at a leisurely pace and still have time to grab a coffee and have a brief chat with Ash before he's back in his seat, trying to come up with a diplomatic way to say 'I would really like to tear your arm out and beat you with it' to the external auditor.  
  
Today is not one of those days.  
  
Today he's approximately _three hours_ late (and he says approximately because seeing the cheery 10:00 displayed on his watch nearly gave him a heart attack the last time he checked and he's too scared to look again). Kaidan is running down the pristine walkways and pushing past people like he's got the vorcha mafia on his ass. His tie flaps in the wind with every step and the way the damn thing keeps hitting him in the face reminds him of a jockey whipping a prized thoroughbred to get it to move faster. He can barely see where he’s going between his silk tie becoming some sort of blindfold slash asphyxiation device straight out of his worst bdsm nightmares and his own panicked thoughts, and he barely stops himself from crashing into a slow-moving elcor’s ass.  
  
He's so fired. Being late or absent without notice during busy season is the equivalent desertion during time of war at Kassa Fabrications and the punishments are just as severe. His co-workers are going to _crucify_ him and that's going to be after they let Garrus use his body as target practice. And no matter how hard he tries to think, he can't come up with a good excuse for his lateness. Somehow, he doesn't think 'I overslept because I had an attractive man in my bed' is going to fly very well. He's so busy trying to think of a better excuse— migraine? Saving school children from a fire? Elcor pile-up on the walkway? —that he doesn't see the group of volus business men until it's too late.

Kaidan curses Irune and its many moons as he crashes straight into one. The volus’ body tangles between his legs like a round, pressure-suited hurdle and sends him tumbling to the floor. You would think, he fumes as he catches himself on his hands, that a species so fragile and _short_ would know better than to have conversations in the middle of the walkway when larger, sturdier species are trying to get to work.  
  
"Is this a custom with your people?" Kaidan yells exasperatedly as the volus straightens himself. He really doesn't have time to be picking fights with aliens but ever since he was forced out of bed with Shepard his patience has been spread thin and the volus makes a perfect target for all of that sexual frustration. "Getting in people’s way so that they can’t get to work? Is this why Irune’s economy is flourishing?"  
  
He's painfully aware of how crazy his words sound almost as soon as they leave his mouth. God, he's worse than that mad batarian prophet he passes by on the rapid transit sometimes. He doesn't have time to dwell on it, though, since he's getting later by the second so the volus only gets time to draw in a deep, wheezing breath (no doubt preceding a passionate speech on the rudeness of the Earth-clan and how they would never get a Council seat) before Kaidan's off and running again.  
  
Somehow he makes it to Kassa HQ without any further incident. Kaidan knows he looks like a mess since his tie is permanently slung over his shoulder like a poor fashion statement and his hair is falling over his face (the wax he uses is top quality but he doubts it was designed to hold up to the speeds he reached during his run). He’s never been more relieved to see the marble floors and ceilings, and the fancy asari-made furniture, and—  
  
He lets out a string of curses as the elevator bell rings out in the lobby. Is everything just determined to go wrong this morning?  
  
“Wait! Hold the elevator,” He yells, arms flailing wildly as he sprints across the lobby to the elevator. Maybe the Enkindlers are finally smiling down on him because whoever’s inside decides not to be a complete jerk and sticks their hand out to stop the doors from closing  
  
“Thanks," Kaidan breathes once he stumbles inside."You wouldn't believe how late I—"  
  
Then he notices he's just squished himself into an elevator with Garrus and Wrex.  
  
Greaat.  
  
It's not that they're bad guys or that Kaidan doesn't like them. Well, alright, they’re a little bit crazy but nearly everyone who works for Kassa Fabrications is a testicle short of a quad.  
  
Garrus is their lead weapons designer. He's a bit of a wild card but he's talented enough that the higher-ups are willing to overlook it. His guns are a rare mix of high damage _and_ high accuracy and that makes them some of the most coveted weapons in Council space. Meanwhile, Wrex is the resident armour designer. His designs are bulky, but nothing on the market protects better against bullets, biotics, incendiary rounds, thresher maw acid —you name it. The only problem was the armor is often designed with krogan ergonomics in mind.  
  
The lead designer was constantly on Wrex’ case about it. Kaidan had the misfortune of listening to one of their arguments while stuck in an elevator with them.  
  
"We cater to humans, Wrex" the lead designer said in a tone that suggested he had to remind Wrex of this nearly every damn day. "What would a human do with a compartment designed to fit a _krogan quad_?"  
  
"Store grenades?" Wrex suggested, shrugging. Kaidan politely choked on his disbelief while the designer turned an unhealthy shade of puce. “Look, it doesn’t matter— quads are a requirement for wearing my suits.”  
  
And Kaidan had gotten right out of there before the conversation got any weirder.  
  
Maybe insanity comes with the territory but the real issue he has with Garrus and Wrex is that ever since learning about Kaidan's biotics— thanks, Anderson!— they've gotten it into their heads that he's the perfect test dummy for their unholy creations.

"Good morning," Kaidan greets them with a tight smile. He leans past their bulk and pushes the button for the twelfth floor.  
  
"Alenko," Wrex says, nodding at him.  
  
"Ah, Alenko." Garrus drawls, and the way he lights up reminds Kaidan of a cat no matter how many books describe turians as an avian species. "Great timing. Wrex and I had something we wanted to discuss with you."  
  
"Oh?" Kaidan says, his voice pitched high with false interest. He discreetly presses the button for his floor a little harder and wills the elevator to move faster.  
  
"Yes, see I designed a gun that's specifically designed to shoot bullets at a high enough velocity to kill barriers in one hit."  
  
"And _I_ designed an armour that's amplifies the mass effect field of a barrier to protect against that sort of thing."  
  
"And we were wondering if you—"  
  
"Oh, look," Kaidan says with no small amount of relief as the elevator finally comes to a stop. He stumbles out with a muttered ‘thank you’ to the elevator gods. "It's my floor. We'll talk later."  
  
"Oh yeah," Wrex says in a tone that has Kaidan stopping in his tracks. "I heard _Ash_ got first dibs on him."  
  
"Right," Garrus says, mandibles twitching ominously. "We'll talk later... Maybe."  
  
Kaidan can only watch in horror as the elevator door closes on their sinister grins.  
  


►►

  
  
Kaidan is not proud of the way he crouches and sneaks past the receptionist’s desk. He’s pretty sure he looks ridiculous, crawling on his hands and knees in a ten thousand credit suit, but given the alternative he can’t complain much.  
  
He knows Ashley’s going to be angry when she sees him. She has every right to be. Judging by the messages on his omni-tool, her mood has been fluctuating between worrying that he’s died, and wanting to throttle him to death herself. But that doesn’t mean he has to face her wrath _right now_. He needs time to regroup, grab a coffee, come up with an excuse that doesn’t involve school children catching on fire.  
  
He's just made it past the receptionist bot's line of sight, congratulating himself on latent stealth skills, when a loud voice effectively ruins his cover.  
  
"Hey, Alenko," Joker calls out loud enough for the rest of the floor to hear. He continues on with a wide grin, despite Kaidan’s best attempts to mime ‘shut up or I’ll kill you’ by pressing a finger to his lips before drawing it across his throat. "Ashley's looking for you."  
  
"If I may, Jeff," EDI, the receptionist bot, interrupts in her usual deadpan. She swivels around in her seat and regards Kaidan, sprawled across the expensive carpet with nothing more than indifference behind her orange visor. "Judging by his proximity to the floor and his poor attempts at sign language, I believe Kaidan is trying to get to his desk without attracting attention. This is why I refrained from greeting him when he crawled past."  
  
Joker's shit eating grin just gets wider. "I know."  
  
"You little—" Kaidan splutters, scrambling up to full height. He stalks towards Joker in what must be a threatening manner, judging by the way Joker hides behind EDI and mutters ‘Vrolik syndrome’ like it’s a protective ward. “You’re not even supposed to be here! You should be down in the shuttle bay doing, I don’t know, _maintenance_ or something.”  
  
“Uh, what? Dude, I’m a _pilot_. Me doing shuttle maintenance would be like a cab driver fixing your skycar.”  
  
“Then go to the shuttle bay and do something else!”  
  
“Hey, as long as EDI doesn’t want me to leave…”  
  
“If you have no urgent duties to attend to, I would appreciate it if you stayed, Jeff.”  
  
“Not helping, EDI.”  
  
“My apologies, Kaidan,” EDI replies, not looking sorry at all.  
  
Before he gets the chance to snap back with what is surely a clever comeback, a vice-like grip decends on his shoulder. He’s reminded of the thresher maw he saw on a nature documentary a while back. Majestically rising up from the ground and descending on its prey with the force of a thanix cannon to drag it into its burrow. He follows the arm back to its owner and swallows around a dry mouth when he meets narrowed brown eyes, twitching with barely restrained fury.  
  
The grip on Kaidan’s shoulder squeezes hard enough to bruise, and Ashley smiles sweetly.

►►

  
  
Ashley Williams is a no-nonsense kind of girl.  
  
It’s why the people in the accounting department call her Chief. She gets shit done. She’s the one who makes sure that pissant Harkin in disbursements isn’t trying to issue cheques to himself (again) and that Kandros in collections isn’t going mafia on some poor bastard when they’re a day late on payments (again). She’s self-reliant, confident…  
  
She’s freaking the fuck out because Kaidan still hasn’t shown up.  
  
When Kaidan isn’t at his desk by 7:30 sharp Ashley knows something’s wrong. By the time it’s 9:00 and he still hasn’t shown up, still hasn’t called in sick, still hasn’t responded to any of her e-mails, she’s panicking.  
  
All of her reliability, her professionalism goes flying out the window and she’s back to being Ashley Williams, the eldest sister, pacing back and forth on the porch because Mike swore on his left testicle that he’d have Sarah home by midnight and it’s now 00:24.  
  
Usually, she’d assume a late during busy season is just someone getting lazy but this is _Kaidan_. Kaidan who shows up to work even when he can barely manage complete sentences because of the migraine pounding in his skull. Kaidan who just lets his vacation days expire because he never knows what to do with them. Kaidan who is her _best friend_ and the only thing keeping her sane in this cubicle farm.  
  
She’s been sending him messages every hour. They start off teasing, but as time passes by and there’s still no sign of Kaidan, they grow increasingly frantic.  
  
‘Ha! 10 minutes late. You can kiss that corner office goodbye, Alenko.’  
  
‘The coffee I left at your desk is getting cold. What’s your ETA?’  
  
‘I drank the coffee.’  
  
'Something happened, didn't it? I swear, you better answer one of your messages soon because I am a few minutes away from sending c-sec to your apartment. Is it a migraine? Did you get into an accident on your way here? Are you still alive in the galaxy somewhere?! God, when I see you i'm going to hug you, then kill you because i'm not getting any work done while worrying about you.  
  
Just, if you get this message answer. Please.'  
  
So when she spots Kaidan casually chatting with Joker and EDI when she’s been pacing her office for the past 3 hours, convinced he was buried under a 16 car pile-up somewhere, she is _pissed_.  
  
She marches him into her office in stony silence. When she points at a seat, he quietly takes it and looks up at her with his best shame face on. And usually that would be enough to get her to go easy on him, but then again, she usually doesn't spend the better part of 3 hours imagining the horrific ways he’s died when she wasn’t looking.  
  
She closes the door behind them before settling against her desk, careful not to knock over the one good picture she has of her sisters.  
  
“What the hell, Kaidan?” Ashley blurts out, never one to beat around the bush. “I’ve been standing around in my office, _not getting any work done_ , by the way, because I’m too worried about your mangled body, and I find you right outside shooting the shit with _Moreau_?”  
  
“I—”  
  
“And why didn’t you reply to my messages?” Ashley continues, throwing her hands up in frustration. She’s back to pacing, following the worn lines on her carpet. “Just a ‘hey, Ash, still alive,’ would’ve been enough! But _no_ , obviously biotic god, Kaidan Alenko doesn’t have time for me and _my_ petty mortal problems,” she punctuates the rant by slamming a hand down on her desk loud enough to make Kaidan flinch back. “Kaidan, if you have an excuse for me then I hope for your sake that it’s a damn good one.”  
  
“I, uh, I had a migraine this morning and I didn’t see the elcor until it was too late. I crashed into him and he crashed into a bus full of kids,” He pauses for effect. “The… The school kids caught on fire. I had to save them.”

Ashley raises an eyebrow. She thought she’d heard ‘em all after raising three younger sisters who were only too happy to try and talk their way out of a grounding but that… That was a thing of beauty.  
  
“I’ve been trying to come up with a good excuse the entire way here,” Kaidan explains, sighing. He stares down at his clasped hands, looking contrite. “I haven’t had coffee yet so that right there was a mix of the best I got.”  
  
“And the truth?”  
  
“So crazy you probably wouldn’t believe me without picture proof. Which I don’t have right now.”  
  
Kaidan shakes his head. His hand reaches up in an abortive gesture, as if to run his fingers through his hair before remembering the amount of styling products and time he spends trying to keep it in place. His hand goes to massage his temples instead.  
  
“I’m really sorry, Ash. There’s no excuse— I should’ve been here.”  
  
“It’s fine,” Ashley says, waving his apologies off. Honestly, she’s just glad he’s not dead. Kaidan’s a good friend and they get along in that way only two complete opposites can. He’s the ying to her yang, matter to her anti-matter. Kaidan holds her purse when she goes to beat someone up at the bar, and in return, she convinces the prettiest, easiest looking girl at there to talk to him. Symbiosis.  
  
“Besides pretty much the only useful thing you do around here is distract that hag, Linron,” She continues, a smirk spreading on her face. “I could be your stand in for a bit.”  
  
Kaidan groans and buries his face in his hands. But by the smile Ashley can see peeking out between his fingers, she knows they’ll be okay.  
  
“…I think she missed you, actually. When she was talking to me about our detective controls she had this look on her face like she didn’t know how to talk to someone who had more spine than a hanar.”  
  
“Jerk.” Kaidan mutters, reaching out to pull her close so he can bury his face in her stomach. “This is why you’re my best friend.”  
  


►►

  
  
[Serpent Nebula / Citadel / Silversun Strip: 00:38]  
  
By the time Kaidan stumbles home, he’s not entirely convinced that last night and this morning wasn’t just a dream. There’s no room for hot robot men in his life. With the crazy schedules at work there was hardly time for _real_ men in his life. Things like that didn’t happen outside of bad movies and they definitely didn’t happen to guys like Kaidan. The whole thing was probably a vivid hallucination caused by the combination of the stress of busy season and his pathetic love life (and, geez, isn’t that a depressing thing to have to admit to himself).  
  
He slides his key into the lock and stands there for a second, bracing himself for the moment he steps into an empty apartment and realizes that Shepard was never really there.  
  
Which is good, Kaidan reminds himself. Androids are complicated and he doesn’t need complicated.

He’s about to turn the key when the door swings open. Shepard stands in the doorway, and he’s back in his ridiculous leather jacket with his ridiculous blue eyes, and he’s got a smile on his face that says ‘welcome back’. With the light streaming out behind him, softening his sharp angles, all Kaidan can do is stare because he’s never felt ‘i’m home’ as fiercely as he does with Shepard standing on the other side of the doorway.  
  
“Uh, Shepard,” Kaidan says, clearing his throat when his voice comes out too breathless. “You’re still here.”  
  
Shepard frowns at him. “I registered your heat signature but it looked like you couldn’t get the door open,” he explains. “I thought maybe you forgot how keys worked. Are you all right?”  
  
“Yeah, just happy you’re still here,” Kaidan says with a weak smile.  
  
“Oh, I get it,” Shepard says, a slow smile spreading across his face. Before Kaidan can ask what ‘it’ is, Shepard is leaning in, hands going up to Kaidan’s shoulders. Kaidan watches as his eyes flutter shut before Shepard presses his lips against Kaidan’s. He lingers there for a moment, they breathe the same air, before Shepard pulls away.  
  
It’s chaste, brief— just long enough for Kaidan to know that Shepard doesn’t taste like wires and tech— and somehow it’s all the more intimate for it.

  
“That's what you wanted right?” Shepard asks.  
  
“ _What_ ,” Kaidan sputters.  
  
“Did I read you wrong?” Shepard frowns at him, considering it. “Impossible. I updated my programming today so my responses should be 89.63% more human.”  
  
“Maybe we should go inside.”  
  
As he shoves Shepard into the apartment and closes the door behind them, he's so preoccupied he doesn't notice the keen blue eyes of his neighbour watching the entire thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ashley/Kaidan is my brotp. It's just a fact. Also, sorry this was so late. I've been busy with real life lately and I think the waits are only going to get longer since I still have to write the new material. I'll continue to aim for once a week +/- a few days though.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so sorry this took so long. Real life has gotten very busy with a new job and upcoming exams so realistically, my timeline is looking more like a month +/- a week for each update.

The door closes behind them with a click.

Kaidan allows himself a moment to close his eyes and take a deep breath.

“So, not that I’m complaining,” Kaidan begins, because he’s _really_ not. “But what was that about?”

Shepard blinks and tilts his head. It is unreasonably adorable. “Clarification is needed.”

“Your, y’know, I—” Kaidan sputters. “You _kissed_ me.”

“Oh.” Another blink. "I updated my programming algorithms. My protocols dictated that was the correct course of action."

"So you just." Kaidan waves a hand around. "Connected to Cerberus and downloaded a new behavioural update?"

"No, the scientist disconnected me from the Cerberus network during our escape. They'd be able to track me otherwise."

Kaidan frowns. "Then how did you...?"

“I have another module that allows me to observe organic behaviours and rewrite my code to mimic it."

"You can learn," Kaidan breathes. That's... That's not just amazing, it's impossible. Kaidan is a techy guy, he subscribes to Overload holo-mag, he lines up for hours when Logical Arrest releases a new omni-tool model, he watches the press conferences when new tech is unveiled.

The kind of software Shepard's describing hasn't been developed yet.

Shepard must read his thoughts on his face because he smiles humorlessly and shrugs. "Latest Cerberus tech, remember? It was going to be announced next year."

"I couldn't go outside, obviously, but I did find a sky channel dedicated to human programming that i watched all day."

Kaidan only has one Earth channel subscription and he knows it only plays one thing during work hours. "Shepard... Was the show called The Young and the Restless?"

"Yes! It taught me a lot about human behaviour. If you're distant or sad your mood will improve with a kiss. Feelings of jealousy and anger are similarly alleviated with a kiss." Shepard pauses and squints at Kaidan. "In fact, i've just logged your default behaviour as 'needs a kiss.'"

Kaidan groans and pinches the bridge of his nose. Great. Now his rogue android thinks life is a daytime soap opera.

He can just imagine the chaos Shepard is going to cause in public. An attractive human man kissing strangers for no reason. There will be riots on the streets, people collapsing left and right. What if he gets saliva on a dextro? They’ll be _arrested_. And when C-Sec figures out that Shepard is an unshackled AI (which they absolutely will), they’ll be _really arrested_. Shepard will probably be dismantled while Kaidan wastes away in a floating prison in deep space.

(On the bright side, at least he'll miss the rest of this quarter).

“We must also make plans for the inevitable yet sudden reappearance of an evil twin slash clone if you haven’t already,” Sheppard continues, oblivious to Kaidan’s inner panic. “I’m also concerned about the late hours you keep. All signs point to the possibility that you’re cheating on me.”

Shepard squints at him suspiciously and his mouth takes on an unhappy slant.

Kaidan doesn’t even know where to begin. Soap opera logic isn't something that can be applied to the real world but he's not sure how to explain that to an android. Honestly, he only keeps that channel for when his mom comes to visit. “You know what, Shepard, why don’t you forget everything you learned today?”

"But—" Shepard begins in a whiny tone.

(He must have learned that from the soap operas too. Kaidan didn't know of any AIs that could whine).

"Tomorrow's the weekend so i'll take you out to observe real humans instead."

Shepard's answering grin is blinding. Kaidan either needs to become immune to them or start wearing sunglasses.

"All right, now let’s get ready for bed."

►►

Later, once they're lying in bed, Kaidan thinks about the kiss.

He won't lie, it was nice to come home to. It's been too long since he had someone to share that kind of easy affection with.

There were a few men and women over the years, but nothing serious. The last person was probably Rahna, and god, that was _years_ ago.

He didn't even realize he was missing it until this evening. 

"Hey, Shepard," Kaidan whispers. He hopes Shepard isn't asleep yet. Does Shepard even _need_ sleep?

Shepard peeks at him over a bare shoulder, once again wearing only his shorts because he exists to test Kaidan's patience.

"So remember how I said you can't kiss other people?" Kaidan pauses and thinks about it. He needs to phrase this delicately. He knows a bit about programming from fooling around with his omni tool and he knows a rule exception without following logic will be rejected.

 "You can kiss me." Kaidan blurts out. Because he has no game even when it comes to robots. "If, if you want, of course."

Oh god, he's going to die alone.

Shepard squints at him before turning over. "Were you jealous?"

"No."

"You were jealous," Shepard decides.

"Shepard-"

He's cut off by Shepard leaning in and kissing him softly. It's brief. Just the barest brush of lips. It should be nothing. Instead it leaves Kaidan breathless from the tightness in his chest.

"Good night," Shepard says before rolling back over.

►► 

[Serpent Nebula / Citadel / Tiberius Towers / The apartment across Kaidan's]

Liara has lived across the hall from Kaidan for around six years.

When she first met him, she thought he was a decent enough for a human. At the very least he didn't make a mess of the hallways with pamphlets on the Enkindlers like the Preaching Hanar in 402. And even though he was still young for a human, he never threw loud, late night parties with his friends. Which was great since Liara never knew when inspiration would hit. Sometimes she writes her best papers late into the night cycle while half-listening to infomercials. Half-naked, noisy humans right across the hall would probably put a swift end to that.

He was a little bit boring. He always kept to himself and he was hardly ever home, but between the sickeningly sweet human couple a few doors down, and a woman Liara is pretty sure is a crime syndicate, boring was more than welcome.

Then one day she found him crouched in the hallway, his eyes scrunched shut and his hand massaging at his temples. She recognized the cross-species signs of a bad headache and invited him in for some of the special herb infusion her mother sent from Nevos. It helped her whenever her eyes started straining from reading one too many reports written in 8pt font so she figures it will help the human.

The tea works too well.

As far as Liara could tell, Kaidan’s head wasn’t bothering him anymore but he was also slurring his speech and he hasn’t lifted his head from her dining room table.

“—Then _Yurnus_ comes along.” Kaidan spits the name out with as much venom as someone drunk on Asari herbs can. Liara only learns later that the name is actually pronounced _Vyrnnus_. "He broke Rahna's arm, gave me this scar." He waves impassively at his face. "Couldn't just stand by 'nymore."

The rest of the story comes out in a similar fashion. His uncontrolled biotics, the closure of BAaT, being treated like a monster for abilities the Asari celebrated. She drank it all in with the detached professionalism of of a scientist. She remembers being excited at hearing a first hand account of human behaviours towards biotics.

Later, when Liara reflects on the story, she’s horrified at what her friend had to go through. The damage done to Kaidan at such a young age. The way he lived with the consequences and fear even now, though BAaT is mostly forgotten except for a file streaked in redacted lines in an Alliance archive somewhere.

He was as normal as she originally thought, but given everything he’d been through, staying normal is probably an accomplishment in itself.

By contrast, Liara isn’t a very good neighbour.

She’s hardly ever home for one thing, always away on one dig site or another. She also gets numerous complaints about encouraging the Preaching Hanar by discussing her research with it (in her defence, it actually does have interesting viewpoints on the Protheans once you convinced it you weren’t trying to oppress its religious freedom).

But mostly, Liara is a bad neighbour because she uses the security camera attached to her front door to spy on her neighbours.

It started out innocently enough. At first it was just a precaution to put her mom's mind at ease when she moved out on her own.

"Liara," her mother had said. "The galaxy is a dangerous place and, goddess forbid, if anything were to happen to you... Well, I just want to know who I’m going to have to flay apart with my mind.”

Usually the cameras don't see much action. When Liara reviews the tapes, they're usually filled with the same stretch of off-white wallpaper, bland carpeting, and the door of the apartment across from her. After all, Tiberius Towers has guards placed at the entrances and Liara has heard rumors that the superintendent, Bailey, is ex-CSEC so it’s one of the safest apartments on the strip. Most thieves are smart enough to avoid the Towers in favour of easier targets down at Zakera ward.

But sometimes the cameras catch interesting things about her neighbours. Like that one time someone got the Preaching Hanar drunk with mindfish and it accidentally revealed its soul name. Or the time Steve and his husband had been in such a rush to get at each other they got to second base in the middle of the hallway before they finally stumbled into their apartment.

But this... This is the best yet, she thinks gleefully.

Liara pauses and rewinds the video. She hits play and watches as Kaidan stumbles home, no doubt tired from a long day at work. Just as he fiddles with the lock, a handsome man opens the door. They exchange a few words (and she vehemently curses her decision not to upgrade to the cameras that capture audio and video) before the mystery man leans in for a kiss. She can’t see Kaidan’s face but she’s sure he’s wearing an expression of mushy adoration, something straight out of Fleet and Flotilla (well, it’s not like she sees expressions on Fleet and Flotilla either, since the quarian actress never shows her face but Liara can _imagine_ it).

It's not spying if you're friends, Liara reasons as she downloads the clip onto her omnitool. It's practically _tradition_ for friends to be nosy about each other's love lives. Maybe friends don’t usually film each other, but Liara figures this just makes her a _better_ friend. It shows her dedication to learning everything there is to know about the people she cares about.

Just call her the social media Shadow Broker.

And Kaidan’s been her friend for 6 years. That’s plenty of time for him to make peace with her hobbies.

Liara grins to herself as she sends the clip out to her network with a short message.

_"Anyone got an ID on Kaidan's new guy?”_

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you guys still with me? /crickets
> 
> I know it's been forever but I've been studying for a board exam and getting busy with year end. It's accrual world.

It’s the weekend. Somehow, even aliens can understand that if you don’t give your workforce the occasional day off, they’re eventually going to rebel against you. There’s a running joke in the financial district that the krogan rebellions were the result of long work hours and a poor retirement plan.

Joker, in particular, enjoyed telling the joke to Wrex at every opportunity. Wrex would just smile in a way that emphasized the scars on his face and remind Joker that his father was around during the rebellions and that, as he told it, the rebellions were actually caused by ‘a puny, smartass alien not knowing _when to stop beating a dead joke_.’

The days off vary from company to company. Armali Council, an asari owned company, generously gives employees three day-night cycles off with shortened hours during the days leading up to the Festival of Athame. Meanwhile, Haliat Armory, turian owned, gave employees half a day off and they were strongly encouraged _not to take it_.

Kassa Fabrications is human owned so Kaidan gets the approximation of Saturday and Sunday in Earth time off.

Usually he would spend the weekend catching up on sleep but now he has Shepard around. 

"Kaidan, you promised."

To be fair, he _did_ , but only because the alternative was having Shepard learn human behaviours through cheesy soap operas. 

And he's now feeling the effects of the past gruelling week at work. The human body was not meant to survive on 9 hours of sleep in a week. He still can't feel his arms and legs and there's a pounding in his skull that's threatening to bloom into a migraine. Kaidan wants nothing more than to sleep all of Saturday away so that he's nice and awake when the 'ohgodtomorrow'smonday' dread kicks in on Sunday.

"But Shepard," Kaidan whines, pulling the covers up to his eyes. "It's _bright_ out there. Bright and noisy and _hot_. In here, it's nice and cool and everything good about the galaxy, so can you please just get back in bed?"

Shepard looks unmoved. He stares down at Kaidan with a blank face that would make EDI jealous. 

"We're going," Shepard says firmly before grabbing Kaidan by the waist and hauling him out of bed covers and all.

►►

One shower and two cups of coffee later and Kaidan is feeling a little bit less murderous.

Shepard’s excitement is obvious. They’re just at the cafe at the bottom of Tiberius Towers, somewhere Kaidan’s been hundreds of times before, but Shepard won’t stop looking at the other customers and fiddling with the sugar packets.

Shepard catches him staring and grins. The white of his teeth combined with the brightness of the neon signs threaten to melt Kaidan’s eyeballs.

Shepard reaches out to fiddle with the stirrers for the twentieth time, much to the annoyance of the quarian standing beside him and Kaidan finally has enough.

Kaidan grabs his hand and links their fingers together.

Shepard stops and looks down at their joined hands. He looks up at Kaidan with raised eyebrows.

"Camouflage," Kaidan blurts out. "We'll blend in with the crowd better if we pretend to be a couple."

Also, it makes it easier for Kaidan to keep track of his hyperactive android but Shepard doesn’t need to know that.

“Logged,” Shepard says, squeezing Kaidan’s fingers just a bit too tight.

►►

[Serpent Nebula / Citadel / Presidium Commons: 9:15]

The extranet images don't do the Presidium justice.

The top extranet image results when searching for "Citadel: The Presidium" are as follows:

1) promotional pictures of haute couture store openings.  
2) Artistic shots taken of bowls of ramen from Ryuusei Noodle Bar  
3) Selfies of organics standing next to Avina

The reflection pond glitters in the Citadel's artificial day cycle. Above their heads, skycars zip past to the other wards, leaving trails of bright orange in their wake.

Shepard watches as an asari greets a drell and comments inanely about the Citadel’s controlled weather environment. They wonder how long the perfect weather will last even though a quick extranet search would tell them that the Citadel Environment and Climate Change Department has sunshine scheduled for the next 14 cycles.

Meanwhile, Shepard overhears an elcor talking to a shop keeper in its customary neutral tone. Its next sentence begins with "angrily, I demand a refund."

Reality is much better than the extranet pictures.

Shepard moves to ask the elcor what is defective with his product and the store manager what the return policy is but finds himself tugged back immediately.

He looks down at the hand linked with his in betrayal. He tugs again to no effect.

"Shepard," Kaidan says mildly. "Where are you going?"

"There's an organic argument happening just over there," Shepard says waving to the store front across from them. The shop keeper is throwing his arms up in frustration but the elcor remains unmoved. "I want to gather information from both sides and then see if my support for the elcor will sway the shop keeper to capitulate."

"Shepard, organics don't do that."

"But--"

"No," Kaidan says firmly. "Ordinary humans don't just butt into alien business. If you go over there and start asking weird questions you're going to get yourself arrested and then dismantled. Do you want that?"

"No," Shepard admits. He spares another longing look at the shop keeper who looks like he's about to give up despite the lack of receipts.

"Me either." Kaidan smiles at him and gives his fingers a comforting squeeze. "So let's just enjoy our walk and observe them from a distance."

"Ok."

They pass by the asari and drell just as they finish listing the various activities one could do in this perfect weather.

►►

They pass by Onyx Apparel, and Kaidan finds himself stopping to admire the store front.

"Y'know Shepard we should probably get you some more clothes," Kaidan suggests with no ulterior motives whatsoever. It would start looking weird if his neighbours saw Shepard wearing the same thing day in and out. Kaidan definitely isn't suggesting this particular shop because he wants to see Shepard in those tight varren leather pants the mannequin is wearing /what are you talking about/. "Being in that jacket everyday has to be tiring."

"I like this jacket," Shepard protests, hugging the jacket tighter to himself as if to hide it from Kaidan's judgemental gaze.

"And it's a good look. A really, really good look. But organics usually dress themselves in different clothes everyday as a hygiene thing..."

As if to prove his point, an asari pair passes by them with clothes that demand their full attention.

One is dressed in an elegant gown made with a white opalescent fabric that shifts colors from a light blue to pinks and purples depending on the way the light hits her. The foot long train trailing after her makes her look like she’s floating rather than walking. The other asari walks beside her in fierce red face paint, six inch heels and a tight leather catsuit. The picture they create is mesmerizing in its starkness.

"There are also some organics who use it as a form of self-expression," Kaidan adds.

"Logged," Shepard says, still looking after the asari pair. "I will attempt to find other clothes to wear."

"Great," Kaidan says, dragging him into the store. "I just have a few suggestions."

►►

It quickly devolves into a fashion show.

Shepard is like a blank slate. He has no preferences and no opinions on clothes. As long as it keeps him incognito and doesn't overheat his chassis, he'll wear it. 

And there's just so many different ways to dress Shepard. Kaidan's already seen him in rugged bad boy garb, but he looks just as good in a fuzzy cashmere sweater and slacks. It softens his hard edges and makes him look like an unreasonably attractive English professor.

Even clothing combinations that have no business going together look like avant garde pieces once he puts them on.

Kaidan puts him in nothing but a pair of ratty overalls just to test his theory. Shepard walks out of the dressing room looking like he's coming off a runway in Paris. The salesperson starts gushing about how no one else had been able to carry the "aggressive, deep urban, streetstyle chic" that the designer was going for until Shepard.

They walk out of the store with a good mix of things. The cashmere sweater ends up in a bag with the varren leather pants and a plaid shirt. They spent enough that the store clerk also snuck in the ratty overalls because "no one will ever be able to do it justice like you, hon."

"Kaidan, I don't know why you bought those leather pants," Shepard grouses beside him. Their hands are linked again. The internal hardware keeps Shepard's synthetic skin nice and warm, and his grip is firm in Kaidan's hand. "They were constricting."

"Yes they were," Kaidan replies dreamily, remembering the way the black leather clung to Shepard's muscular thighs and ass.

He remembers the heart stopping moment when Shepard bent at the waist and touched his toes to test the leather's flexibility. The leather stretched tight over the curve of Shepard's backside and the long lines of his legs leaving nothing to the imagination. That image is going to keep Kaidan company on the lonely nights to come. He's so busy mentally replaying that scene he doesn't notice when Shepard changes direction and begins dragging him towards a store.

They wind up in front of a pet store. There's a large aquarium in the display windows. Belan jellyfish bob lazily upwards, while a school of Thessian Sunfish dart between the aquarium plants. A Khar’shan Snapping Eel hides between rocks at the bottom of the Aquarium waiting for its next meal.

Shepard is entranced. He moves closer to the display, the blue lights from the water reflecting on his face.

"Kaidan," Shepard breathes, his nose pressed up to the glass. "Kaidan, I want an aquarium."

Kaidan groans. He's reminded of the times he has to babysit his neighbour's daughter, Lizzy. Any time she sees anything shiny or pretty she has to have it. He can’t take her to the mall anymore because he always caves to her pleading and her mother always looks disappointed in him whenever he drops her off with a new toy in hand.

She makes the exact same face as Shepard too. Eyes and mouth wide open, barely blinking from fear of missing a second of whatever magical thing has captured her attention this time. Kaidan has seen her make that face at everything from water fountains to Blasto night lights.

But Shepard’s no five year old and Kaidan’s never been all that great with kids.

"Fine," Kaidan says, pulling his wallet out. Resistance is futile, he knows. It's better to give in early before the puppy dog eyes are used.

"All of them."

That pulls him up short. "Shepard, we are not getting all of these fish."

"Processing."

"Processing what?"

"Processing argument that we are getting all of the fish."

►►

They get all of the fish.

►►

When Kaidan gets home the first thing he notices is his omnitool. He doesn’t usually take it out on weekends because it’s just another way for the office to contact him, but now he’s regretting it. It's lighting up like the Strip on a Friday night.

Kaidan drops the bags and rushes over. He hopes there wasn't an emergency at work and they've been trying to contact him all day. He remembers one disastrous EoQ where the system crashed overnight and all the transactions from the day before failed to post. That was a fun weekend spent manually posting thousands of entries.

But when he fires up the interface the only notifications are coming from his group chat app. 

He's about to check his messages when he's distracted by frantic knocking on the door.

Shepard looks at him. He's gone unnaturally still, but even Kaidan can see the way all his muscles are tensed up for a fight. Kaidan motions for Shepard to hide as he goes to answer the door. Shepard nods and disappears into the den, out of line of sight of the front door, but still close enough to eavesdrop in case it's Cerberus assassins at the door.

But when Kaidan opens the door it's only Liara, the asari who lives across the hall.

"Oh, Kaidan," she breathes. "Thank the goddess you're home."

"Liara, what's wrong?" Kaidan asks. She's wringing her hands and pacing with an agitated expression and Kaidan knows by now that's the elegant Asari equivalent of panicked human yelling. 

"Have you checked your messages yet?"

"No?"

"Good. Don't. Just get a new email address-- Actually, just get a new identity." Liara says, resuming her pacing. "My mother has connections. We can get you a new identity as a colonist from Fehl-- No!"

But Kaidan already has the group chat open on his omni-tool and he's scrolling up through the old messages. He doesn't stop to read any individual messages but the general tone of the conversation is angry panic. There's a lot of caps lock and exclamation marks involved.

 

“God, Liara, what have you _done_?” 

"I just sent a little message to my network to find out who your new lover was," Liara protests. "It spread a little faster than I expected. Maybe it's time to scale down a little."

Kaidan sighs. "Liara you know I hate it when you act like some kind of social media shadow broker."

He ignores her grumbling 'that's exactly what I am' and turns to Shepard who's stepping out of his hiding spot behind the door. His blue eyes are wide and he looks a little lost, but he smiles readily when their eyes meet.

When Liara sees who Kaidan is staring at she actually squeals.

"Shepard," Kaidan says. "They're going to want to meet you."

"Great," Shepard says, giving him another bright smile.

"This probably means a dinner party," Kaidan explains because Shepard doesn't seem to understand the gravity of the situation.

Shepard's eyes glaze over.

"It looks like he's considering it," Liara whispers excitedly. Kaidan doesn't know how to explain that's just Shepard's 'running a query' face. So he doesn't.

Kaidan can pinpoint the second the query returns the results. Shepard's eyes light up and his smile stretches wide.

"That's a great idea!"

Before Kaidan can say anything, he sees Liara's omnitool flare orange in his peripheral vision.

"Wait--"

"Great," Liara says, fingers moving across the interface. "I'm setting the time for next weekend and sending the invite to the group chat."

"Liara..."

"Oh, Ashley's finally going to stop spamming the group chat with death threats. Should we invite Steve and his husband as well? I think we should, they're always so pleasant. And... sent."

"Liara."

She finally looks up and sees Kaidan's expression. 

"Oops?"

**

They wind up sitting across from each other in the dining room. Liara had hurriedly made her exit as soon as she realized her mistake, citing an important “Protean Research Thing” that she needs to do right now.

"This is a terrible idea."

"It's an excellent idea," Shepard insists. "I can't wait to study the interactions between organics in a more intimate setting. Do you have any Yahg friends, Kaidan? I feel like they would be an interesting addition to a dinner party."

"What? No! Where would I even get a Yahg friend?"

"Parnack, of course."

"I've never been," Kaidan says dryly.

"Me either!" Shepard says. "We should go together."

Kaidan's head hits the dining room table with a solid thunk. "This is a terrible idea," he repeats. "I don't even want to check my messages."

►►

Transcript: The SQUAD★ conversation history. 03:47:09

Tali: Keelah, it's like something out of Fleet and Flotilla (´∇｀). I bet they sang 'There’s a Fire in the Courtyard' to each other as soon as they got inside. (*_*)

Liara: That's what I said!

Joker: Maaan i lost the bet i had going with EDI.

Traynor: Never bet against a synthetic, Moreau. Why do you think they're banned from casinos?

Joker: fml

Garrus: I'm not even into male life forms and I would hit that. Who knew Alenko had game?

Ashley: KAIDAN IS A DEAD MAN WALKING.

Garrus: Spirits guide him.  
Tali: Keelah se'lai o7  
Joker: RIP. Press F to pay respects.  
Wrex: Fg  
Wrex: F**  
Wrex: humans are weird.

[scroll up to see previous messages]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: o7 is a little man saluting. Trufax, Quarians are the galaxy champions of emoticons by necessity thanks to their face masks.
> 
> Also trufax is that Vanderloo can make any outfit work. Even that terrible casual outfit that was literally overalls and a cropped, puffy vest.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos keep me going ♥.
> 
> Also, find me on tumblr as d0rknight. It's boring there but now you know where to harass me for updates \o/


End file.
